just another out-of-work satyrisci (divinus) wrote,
just another out-of-work satyrisci
divinus

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industrial espionage, domination, humiliation, white slavery, and false advertising

So i've been meaning to post this for a long time, but never got around to it. Right now, i'm procrastinating against doing my homework, and this gives me a perfect opportunity to rant.

Okay. So a while back, we learned that there would be an Aeon Flux film. Yay! Then as details started coming in, it started looking worse... now that we know the cast, the bitching can truely begin.

Lets start with the main character. Aeon Flux. Monikan double agent. Tall and lanky, a kinda olive complexion, and lots of leather. also throw in the completely characteristic hair that they even reference it on the promo site/poster for the film here. She looks like this:




So, with all the people in the world. They cast Charlize Fucking Theron. She looks like this:


Admittedly, they adapted her to look much closer in the film, but not by much.

Why, God, Why!? She's too short, too round-headed, and just terrible. Oh, and they thought a razored-bob would be sufficient for the hair. I don't mind that style, mind you, but they coulda done something closer. All that is before we consider her acting.

You know who I would have picked? I woulda picked, well, anyone else, but in particular Famke Janssen. She looks like this:


But did they have to stop there with the horrible casting??! NOOOOoooo...

Enter Dr. Trevor Goodchild, Chairman of Bregna. He is tall with a frail face but strong and lean body and short blonde hair, large features, oblong head, strong cheekbones, and perfectly preened. He looks like this:



Here's where the real injustice occurs. You know who they pick?! YOU FUCKING KNOW WHO?! MARTON JESUS-SHIT-THE-COUCH CSOKAS!!

That's right. The fucker looks like this:


I haven't seen any stills of him from the movie yet, but he's one of those fuckers they cast as the Five-O'Clock-Shadow-Fagorts-Of-Lothlorien-With-Obviously-Bleached-Hair Elves. And look at the left picture. That's like some crazy maximum amounts of cretinism right there.

You know who they SHOULD have cast?! For the love of God and Judas?! JULIAN SANDS, MOTHERFUCKER.

He looks. like this:



It coulda been perfect... But no, they had to fuck it up. Now let's get down to more minor details.

Here's some of the finer fuckups they're making:

They're giving everyone siblings. That's right. They've taken monikan linguist Una, old friend and possible lover of Aeon and made her into... Una Flux. Aeon's sister. She has the last name Flux because Flux is obviously the family name, and not just part of a two-word alias or anything. She gets killed to give Aeon a revenge motive as the plot for the film. Gouge my eyes, please. On the upside, they cast her pretty well physically:



Did I mention that Trevor also has a brother?! Why not! They pick Johnny Lee Miller to play him. I'm not going to post a pic of him, because we've all seen Hackers. Luckily, he actually kinda resembles a young Trevor, so it might actually work out.

Interestingly, almost the entire supporting cast is british.

Where was I... oh yes! Aeon's "protege" Sithandra. Whats that? Sounds like Scaphandra, the double agent who occassionaly works with Aeon, but isn't really a friend? Well, it's supposed to. Except they decided to switch things up a bit, I guess:

Here's Scaphandra. She has a slavic accent and hands for feet like a munkey.



So you're wondering... hmm... When I empty my pockets after work, something like 200 eastern european actors fall out. Surely they could find one to ... oh no, wait. These are the same motherfuckers who cast MARTON DO-YOU-LIKE-DOGS-SLUT CSOKAS. So they pick Sophie Okonedo, who looks like this alongside Theron:



She's British. She starred in Hotel Rwanda, which I hear is good. Why did they pick her? I have no idea. I don't think they did either. Still, she may pull through and turn out okay. Her outfit is ruddy and reddish, which is correct at least, unlike the abortion that is Aeon's outfit. I mean. LYCRA. Monikan culture is the embodiment of fetishism and artistry. Leather, PVC, metal rings, and zippers are the only things their tailors ever see, with maybe a touch of khaki for males. More skin is more common than less skin, and unseen piercings are quite common. For that matter, if I don't see the Breen wearing leather chastity belts with their nice clothes, i'm going to personally get into a Girl Fight with Karyn Kusama. You don't even want to see her fucking shoes. They're so bad. You know what a high-heeled pump looks like if you fill in the gap?! Oh fuck, now i've gone and written it.

Finally, lets talk about setting.

The nation states of Monica and Bregna are essentially futuristic, concrete-heavy bauhaus artitecture peppered with some iron and glass, obtuse angles, and lots of ground gradiation. There is occasionally very intentionally placed plantlife, but not much. They look like this:



Since there is a massive snaking, zigzaggy wall separating them, walls are pretty common sights, as you can see. Here are two images from the film that display the set in any way, and some more of Aeon. Ugh.:



Now to be fair, there is a wall. But I think it's about 12 feet tall, and lacks the spiky goodness. There's also standing water and grass and water-foliage. That doesn't belong there at all. You'll also notice wild trees in the background and a distinct lack of urbanism anywhere. What's going on!? Oh, and the decorative lighting and moon gate in the wall? Nice for buddhist gardens. NOT FOR FUCKING BREGNA. And what the fuck is going on in the other one? With the goddamned prarie grass?! Is she going to infiltrate the great fucking plains or what? Is that lilac in the background? Holy shit, I hope it doesn't have a camera in it.


Maybe I'm wrong. It's possible these scenes are the exceptions, not the rules, and that everything will magically be better when it comes out. Hell, maybe a fire will destroy the whole production and they'll have to do it the right way, or something equally just. All I know is that when it comes out, I'm going to have to see it, and some of you fuckers will have to be there with me.

You know who you are.
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